Peacemaking for Families: Teaching Children to Make Peace

These are my notes for my Sunday morning Bible class at the Contact Church of Christ:

*Once, Jesus was asked to tell people the greatest commandment. "Jesus replied, 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments" (Matthew 22:37-40, NIV). This is the heart of living life well. It is the heart of peacemaking. Living for the glory of God and loving others as ourselves will mold us into peacemakers.

*Our children need to learn how to be peacemakers. Conflict comes naturally. Peacemaking must be learned. Living for one's self comes naturally. Living for God must be learned. Loving one's self comes naturally. Loving others just as much must be learned. Sometimes my son asks, "Dad, why do you love God?" I take the opportunity to let him know that God made me, saved me from the punishment I deserved, gave me the life that I'm living, and has answered my prayers. How would he know reasons for loving God if he had not been taught anything about him? In a similar way, peacemaking skills must be taught.

*Ken Sande and Tom Raabe wrote, "Some conflicts call for friendly discussion, teaching, and respectful debate (see John 3:1-21; 2 Timothy 2:24-26). In other situations we should overlook offenses, lay down rights, and do good to those who wrong us (see Luke 6:27-28; 9:51-56; Matthew 17:24-27). Sometimes love requires gentle confrontation or a firm rebuke (see John 4:1-42; Matthew 23:13-29). Above all, we need to be willing to forgive others just as in Christ God forgave us (see Luke 23:34; Ephesians 4:32)" (Peacemaking for Families, p. 114).

*Peacemaking skills are crucial in order to succeed in life. In ungodly cultures, Joseph, Daniel, and Esther became influential leaders who made a difference without compromising their integrity or faith. They stood for what was right while treating others with respect, firmness, and forgiveness. We can do the same and teach our children those same skills. Ken Sande wrote, "I have hired, promoted, and fired people. These decisions were rarely based primarily on a person's technical skills. What I have valued most in an employee or manager is the ability to work as part of a team, to maintain strong relationships, and to build consensus so a group's gifts and energies stay focused on the project at hand. These are the skills of a peacemaker; and they are the same skills that will help your children succeed in the vocations to which God calls them" (p. 115).

*Peacemaking skills also enable our children to have great marriages and families. When we engage in conflict properly and forgive freely, we guard against resentment and divorce.

*We must remember that peacemaking comes from our faith in Jesus Christ. Ken Sande wrote, "We must remember that the most important requirement of peacemaking is to understand who we are in Jesus Christ. Before the apostle Paul tells the Colossians what they should do, he reminds them of who they are: 'Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience' (Colossians 3:12)" (p. 116).

*As we teach our children peacemaking skills, we want to help them diagnose their own hearts. Instead of condemning them when they mishandle conflict, we should ask them questions to help them see where they went wrong. Then we should instruct them and remind them of God's forgiveness and freedom.

*Finally, we need to be intentional in teaching our children the peacemaking skills they need. We need to become good examples for them. We must not live in denial of conflict nor flee from it. We must not lash out at others, blaming them for all our problems. We must never refuse to forgive. We must confess our sins with humility and try to change. We must confront others with love. We must be merciful and forgiving.

*Use opportunities to teach. When your children are in conflict with others, help them to see how they could handle it. When reading a book, watching television, or watching a movie, look for the conflicts. Ask questions. Is the main character avoiding conflict, attacking in response, or trying to resolve conflict? Is he being wise? Is she being a coward or courageous? What is driving him to do what he's doing? What are the consequences she may face? How would you handle their situation? Good questions can prepare a child to make good choices.

Teaching children to be peacemakers takes time and practice, but it can be worth it.

Peacemaking for Families: A Biblical Framework

These are the notes for my next Bible class at the Contact Church of Christ:

*Human conflict has a long history. It started with the disobedience of Adam and Eve. This put them in conflict with their Creator and each other. Their relationships were strained. They were at odds with each other. To this day, everyone of us lives under the influence of their sin. Each of us deals with the results of their sin. We even imitate their sin. As a result, we struggle with how to relate to God and to other people.

*God was not satisfied with leaving us alone in our messed-up world. He knew that we faced hell apart from himself. He cared too much to let us remain in conflict with himself, so he sent Jesus Christ to save us (John 3:16). "For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit" (1 Peter 3:18, NIV). "God presented him as the one who would turn aside his wrath, taking away sin, through faith in his blood" (Romans 3:25a, alternative reading in the NIV). When we trust in what Christ has done to forgive us, to bring us back to God, and to give us new life, we change. We turn away from everything we know to be in conflict with God in order to follow his Son. We allow our old lives to be buried in baptism, so that we can live new lives for God's glory (Romans 6:1-4). Having been reconciled to God by Christ, we are on a mission to spread reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18).

*If our mission is reconciliation, how should Christians view conflict? As an opportunity to show God's power in a difficult situation. "Glorifying God is the highest calling of a Christian" (Ken Sande and Tom Raabe, Peacemaking for Families, p. 35). When we keep in mind what God has done for us through Jesus Christ, we will approach conflict (and all of life) thinking about how we can please and honor God in it. We will find ourselves motivated to resist pride and resentment while seeking to do the right thing in love.

*Jesus said, "You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye" (Matthew 7:5, NIV). If we are going to make peace in a God-honoring way, we must examine our words, actions, and attitudes to determine what must change within ourselves before helping others in areas where they need to change. Have I used words to hurt when it was not necessary? Have I used sarcasm to belittle? Have I been complaining or nagging? Have I lied? Have I jumped to conclusions and then shared those unfounded conclusions in gossip? Have I been lazy or negligent in the relationship? Have I failed to keep commitments? Have I withheld kindness or affection? Have I been selfish? If so, I need to change my thinking, confess my wrongs, and ask for forgiveness. I must not stand in the way of reconciliation.

*After dealing with ourselves, we are ready to confront another person's problems. Confronting the sins of others should not be done with eager anticipation, but neither should it be passively avoided if the offense has seriously dishonored God, seriously damaged a relationship, hurt others, or hurt the person who committed it. Sometimes the offender would love to change, but needs someone to come along with helpful advice. It can lead to repentance and a healthier way of living (Matthew 18:15; Galatians 6:1). "Loving confrontation can serve as a positive example to others. Whether you realize it or not, people are constantly watching how you handle adversity and treat those who wrong you. How you comport yourself gives others a chance to either mock Christians and reject Christ or become open to hearing the gospel. Christians watching your behavior, on the other hand, will either feel justified in responding improperly to conflict or be encouraged to honor God in their own reactions as well. Because imitation is a form of love, this last point has tremendous spillover effect with children. Kids study how their parents react to conflict, and will often imitate them when conflict arises in their lives as well"(Peacemaking for Families, p. 39).

*Finally, after a conflict has been dealt with, forgiveness must be the God-honoring resolution (Matthew 6:12; Luke 11:4; Matthew 18:23-35). "Here are four concrete promises one must make to truly forgive another:
~I will not thnk about this incident.
~I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.
~I will not talk to others about this incident.
~I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our personal relationship" (Peacemaking for Families, p. 41).

*After the pain and heartache that Christ endured to bring about peace between us and God, we can endure some discomfort in making peace in our families. After all, the final result of the process will be a God-honoring joy for all involved.

Peacemaking for Families: The Heart of Conflict

These are my notes for the Bible class I'm teaching this week at the Contact Church.

*When we are engaged in a conflict, we would be wise to examine our own hearts. Our hearts may be the problem. As Jesus said, "For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander" (Matthew 15:19, NIV).

*James wrote, "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures" (James 4:1-3, NIV). Many fights occur because our desires become demands. When our demands are not met, we blame whoever is not meeting our demands and conflict breaks out.

*Some desires (like greed) are inherently wrong. Other desires (like peace and quiet) are not inherently wrong. If good desires are not being met, talk with your spouse or children. Don't let it cause bitterness or resentment. If wrong desires come up, turn away from them and look for something good to replace them.

*"It is often not what we want that is the problem, but that we want it too much. For example, it is not unreasonable for a man to want a passionate sexual relationship with his wife, or for a wife to want open and honest communication with her husband, or for either of them to want a steadily growing savings account. These are good desires, but if they turn into demands that must be met in order for either spouse to be satisfied and fulfilled, they result in bitterness, resentment, or self-pity that can destroy a marriage" (Peacemaking for Families, p. 19).

*One dangerous tendency of engaging in a conflict can be judgmentalism. As Ken Sande and Tom Raabe wrote, "Scripture teaches that we should observe and evaluate others' behavior so that we can respond and minister to them in appropriate ways, which may even involve loving confrontation (see Matthew 7:1-2; 18:15; Galatians 6:1). We cross the line, however, when we begin to sinfully judge others, which is characterized by a feeling of superiority, indignation, condemnation, bitterness, or resentment. Sinful judging often involves speculating on others' motives. Most of all, it reveals the absence of a genuine love and concern toward them...The closer we are to others, the more we expect of them and the more likely we are to judge them when they fail to meet our expectations (Peacemaking for Families, p. 21).

*After our desires become demands, and we start judging the one who is not meeting our demands, we are likely to resort to punishing him or her in some way. Our tactics may vary: mean or sarcastic words, pouting, withholding affection, physical violence, sexual abuse, or other tactics. But our goal is the same: punishment.

*Ultimately, we must look to God for the cure for our bad hearts. He alone can break the cycle and bring us freedom from our destructive thoughts and patterns of living. "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God" (Romans 5:1-2, NIV). "We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life" (Romans 6:4, NIV). "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death" (Romans 8:1-2, NIV).

*After our initial salvation, God gives us at least 3 aids to help us to live free from our sinful tendencies and temptations: His Word, His Spirit, and His Church. "As you diligently study and meditate on the Bible and sit under regular, sound preaching, God will use His Word like a spotlight and a scalpel in your heart. It will reveal your idolatrous desires and show you how to love and worship God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. The Holy Spirit aids our deliverance...by helping us to understand the Bible, to identify our sin, and to pursue a godly life (1 Corinthians 2:10-15; Philippians 2:13)...Finally God had surrounded us with brothers and sisters in Christ who can teach us, lovingly confront us...and provide encouragement and guidance in our spiritual growth (Galatians 6:1; Romans 15:14)" (Peacemaking for Families, p. 26).

*When we find our satisfaction in God, our lives find ultimate fulfillment. Our desires are less likely to become demands. We are less likely to become judgmental and determined to punish others. We are more likely to live with our families in true peace.

Peacemaking for Families: Conflict in Marriage

These are my notes for my Bible class at the Contact Church of Christ for this Sunday:

*Conflict is simply a reality in life and in marriage. We do not always agree with our spouses. Sometimes our conflicts are minor disagreements; sometimes they are major disputes. In either case, Christ calls for his followers to be peacemakers (Matthew 5:9). In this lesson, we will explore our responses to conflict: escape responses, attack responses, and peacemaking responses.

*Escape responses are favored by peacefakers.

~We use escape responses to avoid rather than resolve conflict. "Escape responses are generally directed inward; they are usually all about 'me.' Escapers are looking for what is easy, convenient, or nonthreatening for themselves. They often dread confrontation. They are often more concerned about appearances than reality" (Ken Sande and Tom Raabe, Peacemaking for Families, p. 8).

~Denial is the usual escape response. We act like a problem does not exist. However, the problem usually gets worse.

~When denial does not work, we move to flight as an escape response. We may quit a job, find another church, or file for divorce to escape conflict. This usually does nothing to resolve conflict. However, in cases of extreme abuse, this response may be needed for protection. (For example, if your husband is sexually abusing your child, fleeing from him with the child would be a loving response intended to protect your child.)

~Suicide is the ultimate escape response. Obviously, this never makes peace or resolves conflict.

*Attack responses are favored by peacebreakers.

~"These responses are employed by those more interested in winning a fight than preserving a relationship. Conflict for these folks is an opportunity to assert rights, to control others, or to take advantage of their situation" (Peacemaking for Families, p. 9). Both the strong and the weak, the confident and the insecure, will use these responses to get what they want at the expense of harmonious relationships. Unlike peacefakers who see themselves as the problem, peacebreakers see you as the problem.

~Assault is the common attack response. Nagging, slander, threats, and other forms of verbal assault are typical. Sometimes physical violence is involved. These responses increase conflict in marriage. They do not resolve it.

~Litigation is another attack response. It could be over divorce, custody of children, or other matters. It does not bring healing to relationships in conflict.

~Murder is the most extreme form of an attack response. Obviously, this does not bring peace either. (See Matthew 5:21-22 for Jesus' warning about our murderous thoughts and words.)

*The way of Christ is peacemaking responses in our marriages.

~"This way is not about 'me,' as escaping is, nor about 'you,' as attacking is, but about 'us.' Rather than giving in to 'peacefaking' or 'peacebreaking,' this way is all about 'peacemaking'" (Peacemaking for Families, p. 10).

~Minor conflicts may be resolved by determining to overlook an offense and offer forgiveness (Proverbs 12:16; 17:14; 19:11).

~When more significant conflicts arise, discussion is the appropriate response (Matthew 5:23-24; 18:15). Confess when you have been wrong. Confront with love.

~When a conflict involves money, property, or other rights, negotiation is appropriate. We need to see the needs of both sides and reach a satisfactory agreement (Philippians 2:4).

~Sometimes a peacemaking response requires assistance from other wise Christians. This takes both humility and courage. "First, you may seek individual counseling from a spiritually mature advisor who may be able to help you see ways that you can communicate more effectively with your spouse and still resolve your differences in private (Proverbs 13:10). Second, you and your spouse may seek joint counseling or mediation, which involves meeting together with one or more counselors who assist you in communicating and finding meaningful solutions to your differences (Matthew 18:16). Third, if your spouse won't respond to counseling and persists in sinful behavior that threatens your marriage, you may appeal to your church to exercise redemptive church discipline to promote repentance and restore your relationship (Matthew 18:17)" (Peacemaking for Families, p. 11).

*Using peacemaking responses to conflict, we can enjoy healthier, more stable, more secure, and more intimate marriages.

Peacemaking for Families: Introduction

Tomorrow, I plan to start teaching a class at the Contact Church based on the book Peacemaking for Families by Ken Sande and Tom Raabe. While Janet and I were attending FamilyLife's Weekend to Remember marriage seminar last spring, we bought the book (along with several other books focusing on family issues and biblical principles). These are my notes for the class:

*Seven hundred years before Jesus was born, the prophet Isaiah referred to him at the "Prince of Peace" (Isaiah 9:6). The early American revival preacher Barton W. Stone wrote, "Christ is the Prince of Peace; the Church of Christ is the Kingdom of Peace." Jesus Christ promised, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God" (Matthew 5:9, NIV). The apostle Paul noted that one product of the Holy Spirit in the lives of believers is peace (Galatians 5:22).

*In this Bible class, we will be focusing on making peace in our families. However, much of the material may be applied to other areas of our lives.

*The word peace is a relational term. It centers on our relationships with each other. We are living in peace when we are living in harmony...when our relationships are wholesome.

*Sometimes peace may be impossible. After all, some people may not want to be at peace with us no matter how much we may want it or how well we apply the principles of peacemaking that we plan to learn over the next several sessions. "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone" (Romans 12:18, NIV).

*In Peacemaking for Families, Ken Sande and Tom Raabe state, "There are three ways we can handle conflicts in normal family life. We can be peace-fakers, denying that we have problems, always giving in, or becoming distant from family members. We can be peace-breakers, relying on manipulation, a sharp tongue, or overt anger to compel others to give in to our wishes...Our third option is to use the conflicts of family life to become peacemakers, drawing on God's grace and practicing the powerful peacemaking principles He has given to us in His Word" (preface).

*Depending on our temperament and background, we are likely to gravitate toward either peace-faking or peace-breaking. We will tend to be either passive in response to conflict or aggressive in causing conflict or a combination of both. Peacemaking does not come naturally; but it can come supernaturally as we become open to learning and applying the biblical principles taught by Jesus, the prophets, and the apostles.

*Our goal is to become peacemakers in our families. We want to be able to live in harmony with our spouses, our children, our siblings, our parents, our in-laws, and our other extended family members as much as possible.

*We will spend several weeks exploring the principles of peacemaking in our families.