Love is not Irritable

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

The Courage and Love of a Shepherd

This is an excerpt from The Mentor Leader by Tony Dungy:

"As I continually looked for examples of what it meant to be a good leader, I found a great one in John Thompson, the Hall of Fame basketball coach of the Georgetown University Hoyas. Coach Thompson was a crusader in many respects, having become the first African American coach to win the NCAA Division I national championship, two years later.

"Along with his success, he always seemed to find himself in the middle of controversy--probably from a combination of his fiery temperament and his willingness to be a trailblazer for individual rights and fundamental fairness for everyone. He took a stand on everything...His protectiveness of his players was seen in a negative light by many in the media, spawning the term 'Hoya Paranoia.'

"But despite his reputation as a rough, gruff coach, one demonstration of Coach Thompson's 'paranoia' made a profound impact on my attitude as a coach and what it meant for me to care for my players.

"During the 1980s, Rayful Edmond III was one of the most notorious drug dealers in Washington, DC. His network was thought to be responsible for numerous murders, and he reportedly was one of the first dealers to introduce crack cocaine into the District of Columbia. Unfortunately for Coach Thompson, Edmond became a big fan of Georgetown basketball and their great success.

"When Coach Thompson learned that Edmond was fraternizing with some of his players, including star center Alonzo Mourning, he sent word to Edmond through them, requesting a meeting on the Georgetown campus. Coach Thompson was well aware of the rumors linking Edmond and his organization with violence and murder, but he quickly got to the point when Edmond arrived: Edmond was never again to wear Georgetown gear, and he was to have no further contact with any of the Georgetown players...

"I tried to put myself in John Thompson's shoes. I simply couldn't see myself confronting Edmond directly. I probably would have started by meeting with Mourning, explaining to him the dangers of being around a drug dealer like Edmond, or maybe instituting a team rule limiting where players were allowed to go. Or maybe I would have gone as far as to approach the police, explaining the situation and looking for guidance and help--in other words, get someone who was trained in that environment to handle it. I was pretty sure I wouldn't have stood face-to-face with a reputed killer.

"But then it hit me. I immediately thought of Jesus' parable of the sheep and the shepherd in the Gospel of John, chapter 10. There, Jesus speaks of the difference between a hired hand and a shepherd. When a wolf comes and threatens the flock, the hired hand runs away, leaving the sheep--someone else's sheep--to fend for themselves. The shepherd, on the other hand, rises to the defense of his sheep. He will die for the sheep, if necessary, because they are his. I knew that Coach Thompson cared for his players--he had long had that reputation. But by putting himself directly in the middle, between his players and danger, he showed me just how much he loved them.

"It wasn't that he knew Alonzo Mourning and the others were talented players who could help Georgetown win games. That wasn't the point. Coach Thompson had told the players and their parents that he would watch over them as if they were his own. He did that, even to the point of placing himself in harm's way" (pages 93-95).

James Brown: An Uncommon Celebrity Sports Broadcaster

This is an excerpt from Tony Dungy's latest book, The Mentor Leader:

"I've seen examples of adding value time and again...most recently by my broadcasting friend James Brown. In 2009, he and I stayed at the same New York hotel as we fulfilled our weekend broadcasting duties. Early in the season, JB called to invite me to a Bible study he was hosting. When I arrived at his room, I found him surrounded by members of the hotel staff--a bellman and people from maintenance and food services.

"JB explained that he had become friends with these people over the last year, talking in passing about things that mattered to each of them. Eventually, they decided to get together more formally when JB was in town to broadcast, and they began a Bible study.

"It didn't matter to JB that he wasn't in a direct position of leadership. What mattered was that he could build into other people's lives, one on one.

"And in the process, they could build into his life as well" (pages 197-198).

Why Do People in Trouble Seek Out Tony Dungy?

A few months ago, I was listening to ESPN Radio. Former Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy was the topic of conversation, because a National Football League player was in trouble and wanted his help. Coach Dungy has had a history of trying to help men who have messed up their lives. He has helped NFL players, coaches, prisoners, and ordinary men who are trying to be good husbands and fathers. The radio program host asked his co-host, "Why is it that every time players get themselves in trouble, they call on Tony Dungy to help?"

That's a good question.

I can think of three good reasons:

1. Tony Dungy cares about people. He is more than a philanthropist (as good as that would be); he cares enough to get involved with people on a personal level. He will help people through their hard times. He will stand by their side through their trials. When people face difficult times, they truly appreciate someone who will be with them.

2. Tony Dungy is a man of faith. He is committed to following Jesus Christ. When one realizes that circumstances are far beyond his control, he will want to seek out someone who leans on God. The man of faith becomes an encouraging and stabilizing presence in a time of crisis.

3. Tony Dungy is a man of wisdom. He embraces a godly perspective of life. He lives it, and he shares it with others. When a man is trying to get his life straightened out, he wants a wise mentor who can guide him through the process of applying biblical wisdom to his chaotic life.

In many ways, Coach Dungy exemplifies the qualities that should mark Christians and churches in general. He is not flashy. He does not draw attention to himself. He does not chase the latest fads. He simply lives a rock-solid life of love, faith, and wisdom that has a tremendous appeal to those who are at a point in their lives in which they can appreciate it.

"A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches,
and favor is better than silver or gold" (Proverbs 22:1).

Losing a Son for the Benefit of Others

This is my communion meditation for tomorrow at the Contact Church.

A few years ago, Tony Dungy was coaching the Indianapolis Colts through another successful football season. Without warning, he received a call informing him that his oldest son Jamie had taken his life while attending college in Florida. Jamie Dungy's death shocked the family. Jamie had been a very good and compassionate young man, the type of son who would make any father proud.

After Jamie's death, Coach Dungy and his wife Lauren were uncertain about what to do. He wrote in Quiet Strength, "In an effort to bring some good out of this, I have tried to assist others...We began by donating Jamie's organs. Today two people can see, thanks to his corneas. A businessman wrote me after the funeral to tell me he's working less in order to spend more time with his son. A young girl wrote a letter to us, saying that although she's always attended church, she dedicated her life to Christ after watching our family at Jamie's homegoing service" (page 262).

In a radio interview a couple of years later, Coach Dungy told his interviewers about how the death of Jamie led to two people receiving their eye sight back, to families becoming closer, and to people coming to faith in Jesus Christ. But, he added, if the Lord had revealed to him that Jamie's death would have helped so many people in so many ways, he still would have asked the Lord to spare his son.

I thought about Tony Dungy's words while reading about the time when Joseph and Mary presented their baby Jesus at the temple for his circumcision. While at the temple, the small family came across a prophet named Simeon who immediately recognized their baby as the long-expected Messiah. After informing Mary that her Son would be a great man in Israel and would face strong opposition, he warned her, "(A)nd a sword will pierce through your own soul also" (Luke 2:35, English Standard Version).

The prophet Simeon foresaw the anguish in Mary's soul as she would watch her Son being executed on a Roman cross three decades into the future. Mary was cryptically warned that her Son would die for the benefit of others.

I'm not sure how much Mary understood the message, but I know that she suffered terribly as she watched her Son die for not only herself, but for people like us too.

Today, as we take part in the communion, we pause to appreciate the pain. Through the pain of the cross, we benefited. Mary lost a Son (for a few days) so that we could be saved forever.

Football, Faith, and Action

"...I will show you my faith by what I do" (James 2:18).

I appreciated ESPN's story about University of Georgia coach Mark Richt's Christian faith at www.youtube.com/watch?v=Src61ByXEzk. In addition, former Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy's remarks at a prayer breakfast before the Super Bowl a few years ago are classic. You can watch them at www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8fEpvdHC40 and www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3PUPCR7NFA. These two men are coaches who have earned the respect of everyone around them by the way they live their lives. I hope everyone enjoys the videos.

Life Lessons from Football (Part 3)

Finally, football can teach one to be a team player. We do not make it through life alone. Like a football team, we are interdependent.

In order to be a team player, we need to

1. Accept responsibility. The quarterback cannot do the job of the center. The right guard cannot do the job of the wide receiver. Everyone has a different role. When we fulfill our own responsibilities, we help the team. A Heisman Trophy winner does not win a football game. A team wins a football game when each player does his part. A football team, family, business, or church will succeed when it is comprised of responsible individuals within it; it will fail when someone is irresponsible.

2. Follow the rules. When an infraction occurs, the entire team suffers the penalty. When the rules are followed, the entire team can play up to its potential. When an executive or accountant breaks the law, a company can be destroyed. Everyone suffers unemployment. When the rules are followed, it can prosper. When a Christian cheats and lies, an entire congregation can be destroyed by the ensuing fighting and bad reputation of the church. The Bible contains the rules for living a good life. Our attitudes toward it should be: "I delight in your decrees; I will not neglect your word" (Psalm 119:16).

3. Live with humility. Mistakes will be made. We need to learn from them and adjust our ways in order to avoid them. We need to listen to those who have more experience and wisdom. They can help us to avoid and correct our mistakes. We also need to be forgiving toward those who have made mistakes. They will need correction, but they will also need forgiveness. An unforgiving and proud team is heading for disaster. An unforgiving and proud family will be torn apart. When we see ourselves as we are and treat others properly, we will be winners on the football field and in life. Former coach Tony Dungy has said, "True respect starts with the way you treat others, and it is earned over a lifetime of acting with kindness, honor, and dignity" (Uncommon, page 178).

A Blog for Dads

"Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4).

Each workday morning, I start the day reading my Bible and a few of my favorite blogs as I eat my breakfast. (I go to work a few hours before Janet and Christopher need to get up.) Tony Dungy's blog (http://allprodad.com/dungy) is one of my favorites. With each entry, he encourages men to be good husbands and fathers. Men, if you want to start the day off well, read Tony Dungy's blog. You will find encouragement and inspiration as you begin the day.

Uncommon

Former Indianapolis Colts head coach Tony Dungy is concerned about men in our society who have lost their way, who have never learned what it means to be men. Working with young men in prison, Coach Dungy knows that men need biblically-based guidance and encouragement.

In his new book, Uncommon: Finding Your Path to Significance, Tony Dungy offers much needed guidance and encouragement. In short and easy-to-read chapters, Coach Dungy promotes values like honesty, humility, courage, respect for authority, sexual integrity, and faith in Christ. In other chapters, he offers wise advice on how to treat a woman, how to be a good father, friendship, education, alcohol and drugs, careers, and following your dreams.

In a section focusing on our influence in the lives of others, Mr. Dungy wrote,

"You have multiple platforms from which to impact the world...Growing up, I was mesmerized by the talk that went on inside my local barbershop. I usually went in on Fridays before my games, and in addition to listening to the other guys talk in the shop, I always enjoyed talking to my barber, Mr. Hampton. Mr. Hampton would always wish me well in that night's game and talk with me about school and girls and whatever else was going on in my life. He may not have called it a platform, but he certainly recognized the impact he could have on the men, especially the young men who came in thinking they were just getting a haircut. We always left with so much more.

"...Remember--you stand where no one else stands. Sometimes it's behind a barber's chair. Sometimes it's on the field. Sometimes it's across the dinner table. You may never know the impact you're having on someone who's looking up to you because of your character, your life's work, your family life, or maybe just because of your friendship. People respect you, believe in you, and trust you. In those cases, and others that will come, you have a platform of importance in the lives of those you touch--for their good. Use it wisely and in an uncommon way" (pp. 187, 190).

Uncommon is an excellent book for men. It would serve well as a book for guys to study at a men's group in church.

Just Do Your Part

"Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it" (1 Corinthians 12:27).

In Uncommon, Tony Dungy wrote, "We use faith all the time in football as well. Our Cover 2 defense requires a great deal of faith, and it can take players quite a while to get acclimated. Some never do. Because the defense is so assignment oriented, our players need to have trust and faith for it to work. They aren't allowed to freelance and simply run to the ball. They have to protect their areas, stay in their gaps, and 'trust the system.' They have to trust that everyone else will do his particular assignment and have faith that if that occurs, the defense will be effective" (p. 208).

As I read that paragraph (especially the sentences I italicized), I realized that the church needs to operate like a football team's Cover 2 defense. Each member needs to be responsible for his area, stay in his gap, and trust the system to work. Each member needs to care for the people within his sphere of influence. Each member needs to use his gifts to better the lives of others and to honor Christ in the process. Each member needs to trust that other members are doing their parts to fulfill their Lord's goals. Then the church will be effective.

My responsibilities may push me into the spotlight at times, but usually it would be a rare occurrence. Most defensive football players get a tackle every once in a while, but few get one on every play. And none would be able to get anything done without the other 10 teammates doing their parts. In most games, some of the defensive players never get a tackle, but by playing their positions well, they aid those who do. Whether they look important or not, every member is important. All of us need to help each other by doing our parts, whatever those parts may be, so that the church will accomplish what it needs to do.

Cultivating a Lifestyle of Respect

"Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited" (Romans 12:16).

"When Art Rooney Sr. was alive, he lived on the north side of Pittsburg. As the owner of the Steelers, he would walk to the stadium every day, and people always looked out for him and his house, even as the neighborhood got rougher and many others moved out. Mr. Rooney never moved, but he continued to treat everyone the way he always had. Mr. Rooney knew everyone in our organization, from stars like Terry Bradshaw to the bottom-of-the-roster guys like me. He knew the secretaries and cleaning staff by name, and he made it clear that they were all important to the success of the team. Similarly, the people of Pittsburgh knew that he cared about them and their well-being, and that the Steelers were a community trust, cared for by the Rooneys. What he demonstrated day after day at the office, in his neighborhood, and in the larger community of Pittsburgh was an authentic and sincere respect for all those whom his life touched and who touched his life.

"One year, the sanitation workers in Pittsburgh went on strike. As I recall, trash was piling up everywhere around the city except in front of Mr. Rooney's home. As it turns out, some of the workers were picking up his trash on their own. They didn't have to do it. They just wanted to pick up the trash for a man who had always demonstrated a caring interest in them and so many others. A man who had shown them respect.

"True respect starts with the way you treat others, and it is earned over a lifetime of acting with kindness, honor, and dignity" (Tony Dungy, Uncommon: Finding Your Path to Significance, pp. 177-178).

Walking With the Wise

"He who walks with the wise grows wise,
but a companion of fools suffers harm" (Proverbs 13:20).

Since I would like to be wise, I try to learn from wise people. Here is a list of some wise authors and some of their books:

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Holiness: The Heart God Purifies

Tony Dungy: Quiet Strength, Uncommon

Bob Lepine: The Christian Husband

C.S. Lewis: Mere Christianity, The Screwtape Letters, The Great Divorce

John Piper: Desiring God, Don't Waste Your Life

Dennis and Barbara Rainey: The FamilyLife Marriage Bible (New King James Version), Two Hearts Praying as One, Moments Together for Couples

Haddon Robinson: Trusting the Shepherd, Decision Making by the Book

Harold Shank: Children Mean the World to God, Up Close and Personal: Embracing the Poor

Profanity and Respectability

"But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips" (Colossians 3:8).

"Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love, and in endurance" (Titus 2:2).

In an article in the sports section of the Tulsa World today titled "Profanity Remains a Sports Curse" (www.tulsaworld.com/sports/article.aspx?subjectid=93&articleid=20090215_29_B1_Profan567422), sports writer Bill Haisten writes about the prevalence of profanity in sports today.

The problem is not new. I had football coaches in middle school in the early 1980s who did not seem to know how to refrain from profanity in their normal conversations. I'm not sure that they ever knew that they were not nearly as respected as my coaches who demonstrated self-discipline.

The article singled out two great coaches who never used profanity: Tom Landry and Tony Dungy. While other coaches are mentioned in the article, I'm not sure that any are more respected than those two men.

If we want to stand out as respectable in today's society, we must watch our language and maintain high standards for ourselves.

Tony Dungy's Retirement

Tony Dungy, my favorite football coach, retired today (www.usatoday.com/sports/football/nfl/colts/2009-01-12-dungy-decision_N.htm). I'm going to miss him. He personified dignity on the football field in my eyes.

In honor of Coach Dungy's retirement, here are a couple of my favorite quotes from his book Quiet Strength:

"The lesson (that his father taught him)...was that you shouldn't allow external issues to be a hindrance, whether those issues are based on race or any other factor. Things will go wrong at times. You can't always control circumstances. However, you can control your attitude, approach, and response. Your options are to complain or to look ahead and figure out how to make the situation better" (p. 16).

"That's what this is all about. Touching lives. Building a legacy--not necessarily on the field but in those places that most people will never see. Trying to be faithful in the position God has given me. I love coaching football, and winning a Super Bowl was a goal I've had for a long time. But it has never been my purpose in life.

"My purpose in life is simply to glorify God. We have to be careful that we don't let the pursuit of our life's goals, no matter how important they seem, cause us to lose sight of our purpose.

"I coach football. But the good I can do to glorify God along the way is my real purpose. I want to help people see the path to eternal life through Christ, to enjoy an abundant life now, and to fulfill their God-given purposes here.

"We are all role models to someone in this world, and we can all have an impact--for good" (p. 301).

The Real McCoy

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him" (Colossians 3:17).

While reading USA Today earlier this week, I came across a column about Tim Tebow's choice for the Heisman trophy. As last year's winner, Mr. Tebow has a vote in this year's contest. Since Tim Tebow is well known for his devotion to Christ, I was interested in his vote and the reasons behind it.

Tim Tebow will be voting for University of Texas quarterback Colt McCoy this year because of his accomplishments on the football field as well as his demonstrated Christian character. (For Tim Tebow, character counts as much as athleticism.)

As an Oklahoman, I knew little about Colt McCoy. We are not big fans of the University of Texas north of the Red River, of course. So I searched the Internet for more information about Colt McCoy, and found a great article about him at http://rivals.yahoo.com/ncaa/football/news?slug=jn-mccoy101708&prov=yhoo&type=lgns.

After reading the article, I understood Tim Tebow's endorsement of Colt McCoy for the Heisman trophy. I also began to hope that Mr. McCoy would be drafted by the Indianapolis Colts so that he could play for Coach Tony Dungy in the NFL. I believe they would enjoy working with each other. Besides, wouldn't it be appropriate that Colt McCoy play for the Indianapolis Colts, my favorite NFL team?

Make the Situation Better

Here is a quote from Coach Tony Dungy's book, Quiet Strength:

"My dad was always fascinated by how and why things worked, but at the end of the day, he was most concerned with character. He believed that most of life was an object lesson, and he always found ways to pass those lessons on to his kids.

"One day I was complaining to him about the unfairness of life. I forget the situation, but I know he agreed that I had been wronged. His response has stayed with me for many years, even though it took me a while to completely figure it out.

"'When I was in the service,' he said, 'they didn't want to teach us how to fly planes, so we taught ourselves to fly.'

"We. Blacks. African Americans.

"Tuskegee is located about forty miles east of Montgomery, in the heart of Alabama. Founded by General Thomas Simpson Woodward in 1833, the town was allegedly named for a nearby Native American tribe, the Taskigis. Through the years, it has been best known for Tuskegee University, which dates back to 1881, and the school's first president, Booker T. Washington.

"In 1940, the United States Army Air Corps selected Tuskegee as the training ground for its fledgling program to train black pilots, who up to that point had been barred from flying in the military. This was the Tuskegee Experiment. Until 1946, when blacks were fully integrated into military training, Tuskegee trained roughly a thousand pilots, none of whom were shot down during World War II bombing runs in Europe. Tuskegee also trained all the support personnel that kept those planes operational throughout the war.

"My father was part of the Tuskegee Experiment.

"I never knew this until my dad's funeral service in 2004, when someone shared the story during one of the eulogies. Why hadn't he told me about Tuskegee? Maybe it's because he believed the greater point was the lesson. What's important is not the accolades and memories of success but the way you respond when opportunities are denied.

"Because I was just a kid, I didn't think to ask for more details when he said, 'We taught ourselves to fly.' It sounded easy. The lesson, which I did not understand clearly until much later, was that you shouldn't allow external issues to be a hindrance, whether those issues are based on race or any other factor. Things will go wrong at times. You can't always control circumstances. However, you can always control your attitude, approach, and response. Your options are to complain or to look ahead and figure out how to make the situation better.

"I use what I learned from that lesson daily--and almost minute by minute on game day" (pp. 15-16).

Good Black Men

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things" (Philippians 4:8, NIV).

Our son Christopher seems to be grasping some of the subtle teaching moments in his life. Yesterday he told me, "NBC Nightly News has a lot of black people." We do not watch much news on the television, but I try to watch NBC Nightly News on the weekends because it is anchored by Lester Holt, a good Christian black man (see http://www.christianchronicle.org/article2026522~A_Conversation_with_Lester_Holt). I was able to mention that Lester Holt attends a Church of Christ just like we do. We want Christopher to be exposed to good black men in the media and in life. He needs to see good black men as role models. Lester Holt serves as one of them.

Of course, we took Christopher to see Bill Cosby (http://www.billcosby.com/) a couple of months ago when he came to Tulsa. In addition to being a talented entertainer, Mr. Cosby has been a bold advocate for responsible behavior among African American boys and men. He has a message that we want to be integrated into our son's life. We want him to grow up to be responsible and decent, too.

We also follow the Indianapolis Colts because of coach Tony Dungy (http://www.mycolts.net/tonydungy/blog/Dungy_Perspective), one of the National Football League's greatest coaches and most respected men. Whenever Coach Dungy is interviewed, we try to listen. In many ways, he reminds me of Dallas Cowboys coach Tom Landry of a generation ago. He exhibits a calm and kind competence rarely seen among coaches at any level in sports. Perhaps Christopher will notice those qualities and seek to emulate them as he grows up.

I recognize my duty to be a positive male role model, but I also recognize that I cannot be a positive black role model. I know that young black boys need positive black role models. It would be ridiculous for me to pretend to be black, but I can point to good black men, hoping and praying that Christopher will join their ranks someday.

What Can I Do to Improve the Situation?

"'So I will come near to you for judgment. I will be quick to testify against sorcerers, adulterers, and perjurers, against those who defraud laborers of their wages, who oppress the widows and the fatherless, and deprive aliens of justice, but do not fear me,' says the LORD Almighty" (Malachi 3:5, NIV).

Recently my co-workers and I discovered that the vast majority of us would be losing between 10-25% of our income and between 26-52 days off per year (meaning working every other Saturday or every Saturday). This may be the most difficult and stressful year on our jobs in quite a while.

I have been thinking about how to respond. My family and I will be hurt by this, but so will nearly every co-worker and his or her family. (Many of them will hurt worse. Some part-time employees may lose their jobs entirely.) Will I spend the year whining about the injustice? Will I become lazy, thinking that by doing less on my job I will get even? No, those are childish and counter-productive responses.

I remember something that Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy's father said to him when things were not going his way: "What are you going to do to improve the situation?" (That may not be an exact quote, because I gave my copy of his book Quiet Strength to a co-worker whose son recently died of an accidental drug overdose. I can't look up the exact quote.)

Last night, I attended a district meeting of my labor union and signed up to become a delegate to the state convention for this summer. I do not know exactly how I can help my friends at work and myself, but I know that becoming more involved in my union can help. I will be able to gain more information. I will be able to propose and vote on resolutions that may help in future contract negotiations. I do not know if I can help improve the situation, but I feel the need to try.

Of course, I will also be praying, finding ways to spend less money over the next year, and trying to keep my co-workers from becoming too discouraged and frustrated.

Biblical Parenting 101: Discipline

Assuming that Tulsa has recovered sufficiently from the ice storm (and we do not get hit hard by another one before Sunday), I will be finishing my class on biblical parenting this coming Sunday morning at the Contact Church of Christ. These are my notes:

*Every child needs discipline in order to make it in life. In order to become godly men and women, our children must learn to submit to proper authority.

*Tommy Nelson tells this true story: "In the early 1970s I was the chaplain of a high school football team. And on the team I served was a young man who was the finest high school player I have ever seen. He was one of only three athletes in the history of Texas to be a three-time high school all-American (meaning, he was a high school all-American as a sophomore!). When he was ready to graduate, he had his choice of colleges...The question was not whether this young man would be good, but whether he was going to win the Heisman. After he made his decision, I said to his high school coach, 'What do you think? Will he win the Heisman someday?' His coach replied, 'He'll never carry the ball in college.' I was shocked. 'What do you mean?' I demanded. And he told me this young man had a character flaw that would eventually disqualify him...Well, this young man ended up attending four different colleges---he quit two and was kicked out of two. He finished without a degree...What was the character flaw that the coach saw? 'He cannot submit to authority. He cannot submit to his parents. He cannot submit to an employer. He cannot submit to a teacher...We've carried him along for the sake of the ball club. But I assure you, he will not submit to his college coaches. His football career is done'" (The 12 Essentials of Godly Success, pp.81-82).

*The Bible tells us, "He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently" (Proverbs 13:24, NASB).

*We must care enough for our children to discipline them.

*"Discipline your son while there is hope, and do not desire his death" (Proverbs 19:18, NASB). We must act while we can. We do not want to see our children die in gang violence or from AIDS, because they never received appropriate discipline at home. They must learn to respect authority if we ever want to see them learn self-discipline and submission to God's standards.

*Discipline needs to vary depending on a child's temperament, age, and nature of the wrong committed. However, breaking the rules must be punished. Sometimes a verbal reprimand is sufficient; sometimes spanking is necessary; sometimes privileges must be taken away. However, something must be done to stop what would eventually become destructive behavior. If something is not working, add another punishment to it until you get the child to see the seriousness of the situation.

*While stopping inappropriate behavior is essential, discipline also includes working toward developing positive qualities in our children. We should want our sons to develop the character qualities of an elder or deacon (see 1 Timothy 3:1-13), and our daughters to become women of noble character (as described in Proverbs 31:10-31).

*We must point out positive role models (like members of the local church or celebrities like Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy) for our children to admire. We must discuss life issues with our children. We must guide them in selecting good entertainment choices. If we can help them to want to do good, we have won the war even if we lose a few battles occasionally.

Biblical Parenting 101: Time

These are my notes for my class this Sunday at the Contact Church:

*On Thanksgiving Day 2005, Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy spent the day with family, fellow coaches, and friends from church. In his autobiography, he wrote, "During the (football) season, holidays are always bittersweet for me. I'm always happy to spend time with family and friends, but I'm also reminded of how much I'm not around" (Quiet Strength, p. 246). A little over a month later, his oldest son Jamie committed suicide.

*Although Tony Dungy is a good and decent man who loves his family and God, he lives with regrets about how much time he has missed with his children.

*In 2 Samuel 14, the Bible describes another good and decent man who loved his family and God. Even more than Tony Dungy, King David must have regretted how much time he had lost with his children.

*David had a number of children by a number of wives. Deuteronomy 17:17 forbids Israelite kings from taking numerous wives, but he failed to obey, and it caused problems for his family and his nation for generations.

*In 2 Samuel 13, David's son Absalom murdered another son named Amnon. Amnon had raped Absalom's full sister. After Amnon's murder, Absalom fled. David appeared to be detached.

*In 2 Samuel 14, David sent for Absalom to return to Jerusalem. However, "Absalom lived two years in Jerusalem without seeing the king's face" (14:28, NIV). In other words, David continued to play the role of a passive father too busy to spend time with his children. Perhaps he thought that it was appropriate punishment for Absalom. Or David may not have felt that he could handle seeing his son after what he had done to his brother. As a result, Absalom grew resentful and rebelled.

*Our children need time with us. If they do not receive it, they are much more likely to turn to alcohol, drugs, crime, and other rebellious behavior. They are more likely to suffer from anxiety, depression, and poor grades in school. Most importantly, they are more likely to reject our God.

*If children live with parents who spend time with them, they grow up knowing that they are valued. They will feel less inclination to rebel. They will enjoy better emotional health. They will find it easier to connect with our God.

*In future weeks, we will see how children need parents to teach them biblical truth, to be good examples, to show affection, and to discipline them. But before we can do any of that, we must be there for them. We must spend time with them.

*In The 12 Essentials of Godly Success, Tommy Nelson wrote, "(A child) needs a father and mother to look at him full in the face and listen to him. There are times when a child needs to be lectured, and there are times when a child needs simply to be listened to and loved and valued. Unfortunately, one of the most terrifying things for many children is to spend time with their fathers. Either their father ignores them and acts like they are not there, or their father takes them on a three-hour car ride, locks the doors, and preaches to them. Nothing could be worse for your relationship with your child. A child needs time where he or she is getting our full attention...Spend time with your children. Don't lecture your child unless there is the need. Love him and laugh at his jokes" (pp.180-181).

*We do not know how much time we will have with our children. So let's enjoy our time with them, and let them know by our presence in their lives that we value them.

*At his son's funeral, Tony Dungy said it well: "Parents, hug your kids---every chance you get. Tell them that you love them every chance you get. You don't know when it's going to be the last time" (Quiet Strength, p. 254).